My coming out part 3 : Telling the first few people

So on the evening of december 27th 2008, I was going to Sab's house for a christmas party. The drive there was killing me, the whole trip I was changing my mind. I wanted to tell her that I thought I was bi but I didn't know how she was going to react and I was scared.

When I got there, I didn't have the guts to tell her at first and than we got to her friend's house (which is where the party was) andso we were alot and I just couldn't tell her in private anymore. We were 2 guys and 4 girls there and that night, because of dares and stuff like that, I actually kissed the four girls (Sab being the first) and it was the first time I kissed a girl (yeah ridiculous, at like 17...) anyways, we had fun :P. At one point we tried to go to sleep, which didn't really work out, the other guy was like playing around with 2 girls, Sab was sleeping and I was talking to the other girl. I told her that I had something to tell Sab but that it was too late because she was sleeping already. She told me to wait until morning, to which I agreed.

Fortunately, I didn't have to wait until morning because Sab woke up. She wanted water and there wasn't any left (we were in the basement) so she went up the stairs to get some. I followed her up and told her in the bathroom (yeah really weird but hey...). We talked about it a while but it wasn't much (since I wasn't sure of my sexuality) and than I got back downstairs and we didn't talk about it after (because there were other people). It was a good thing for me, I had told one person and she didn't freak out on me!

In January I didn't tell anyone else, I felt isolated because Sab was far away and I was stuck at my parent's place, away from most of my friends. I met a guy from ontario on the internet who was gay and I talked to him alot on msn. He helped me alot and was really nice, but it wasn't like someone I knew...

So when school started, I wanted to tell someone else. I didn't until mid-febuary. The lucky friend : Matt! We were in one of our long breaks and we were talking. I remember him talking about his problems and I was trying to help him and at one point he was like my life is so hard. I told him no it's not, mine is and I showed him like a test result that I had got that said I was gay/bi and I told him : it's true.

He was into his own head for a couple of hours, coming to terms with it. We had a class not long after and he didn't say anything before it, but after it he told me he was okay with it and stuff. So I was really happy. He asked me if he could tell his girlfriend and I said yeah you can. So at the end of the day 3 of my friends now knew about me.

I didn't say anything to anyone else for a short while after that.

My coming ou part 2 : Accepting myself

Well this is the longest part in terms of years. It goes from 14 to 17 for not alot of change and a lot of back and forth, mainly because I was scared of who I was.

So when I realised I wasn't really straight, I didn't accept it. In fact I continued having "crushes" on girls and that was my main reason for not coming out. You see, at 16 I knew for sure that I was more attracted to the body of guys then girls. I was certain BUT I thought I was more attracted to the personality of girls. And I had never liked a guy that way, I had never actually wated to go out with a guy, just like I didn't really want to sleep with girls (but I didn't say that to anyone of course) So I told myself, maybe I am bisexual, maybe I'm straight and maybe I'm gay. The thing is : I don't know. I can't tell everyone I am gay if it turns out that I am not.

So for a while I had crushes on girls, that I wanted to go out with, and at the same time, I had crushes on boys that I just wanted to sleep with. I had changed schools when I was 15 and I wasn't bullied anymore so I didn't want it to start again if they heard I was gay (which was totally stupid because there were a couple of out gay guys and they weren't being rejected at all) but I was scared. So this went on until almost the end of high school. In march of my last year of high school, a little before I turned 17, I went to a training camp in which I met a younger guy from another city in Quebec. During the begining of the camp I was still in that conflict, I had a crush on a girl, Sab, that I knew for like 2 years (who became my best friend that summer) and I had a crush on him that was more sexually focused then emotionally. During that camp, I told the girl that I liked her and she didn't feel the same way towards me, so I got sad and stayed more shut down to her for the rest of the camp. That's when I came to realise something so important, that I have to start another paragraph :P

I told myself : The only reason why you don't feel emotionaly attracted to guys is because you don't allow yourself to. You have to stop telling yourself that you are not gay and just pretend for a while that you are. That is when I realised that the boy I thought was cute was actually really sweet and nice (and too shy but that's too bad). So I had my first real crush in march of 2008 when I was 16 and about to turn 17.

I still wasn't sure if I was gay or bisexual. That was my main focus from than on. I was pretty sure on that liking guys thing though. I started college not knowing if I would come out soon or stay closeted. But I decided one thing while starting college, I would try to defend gays more then I did in high school and that I would stop acting like straight guys should and just be myself.

At the end of my first semester, I didn't have any crush on any guys again and I had one on a girl so I was even more confused. But my internet escapades helped me see that there was just no guy my type at that school (it was a small college). In december I had actually told myself I was probably bisexual and that I should tell someone, in this case Sab, who was now my best friend. But that is another post.

Seeya!