Well this is the longest part in terms of years. It goes from 14 to 17 for not alot of change and a lot of back and forth, mainly because I was scared of who I was.
So when I realised I wasn't really straight, I didn't accept it. In fact I continued having "crushes" on girls and that was my main reason for not coming out. You see, at 16 I knew for sure that I was more attracted to the body of guys then girls. I was certain BUT I thought I was more attracted to the personality of girls. And I had never liked a guy that way, I had never actually wated to go out with a guy, just like I didn't really want to sleep with girls (but I didn't say that to anyone of course) So I told myself, maybe I am bisexual, maybe I'm straight and maybe I'm gay. The thing is : I don't know. I can't tell everyone I am gay if it turns out that I am not.
So for a while I had crushes on girls, that I wanted to go out with, and at the same time, I had crushes on boys that I just wanted to sleep with. I had changed schools when I was 15 and I wasn't bullied anymore so I didn't want it to start again if they heard I was gay (which was totally stupid because there were a couple of out gay guys and they weren't being rejected at all) but I was scared. So this went on until almost the end of high school. In march of my last year of high school, a little before I turned 17, I went to a training camp in which I met a younger guy from another city in Quebec. During the begining of the camp I was still in that conflict, I had a crush on a girl, Sab, that I knew for like 2 years (who became my best friend that summer) and I had a crush on him that was more sexually focused then emotionally. During that camp, I told the girl that I liked her and she didn't feel the same way towards me, so I got sad and stayed more shut down to her for the rest of the camp. That's when I came to realise something so important, that I have to start another paragraph :P
I told myself : The only reason why you don't feel emotionaly attracted to guys is because you don't allow yourself to. You have to stop telling yourself that you are not gay and just pretend for a while that you are. That is when I realised that the boy I thought was cute was actually really sweet and nice (and too shy but that's too bad). So I had my first real crush in march of 2008 when I was 16 and about to turn 17.
I still wasn't sure if I was gay or bisexual. That was my main focus from than on. I was pretty sure on that liking guys thing though. I started college not knowing if I would come out soon or stay closeted. But I decided one thing while starting college, I would try to defend gays more then I did in high school and that I would stop acting like straight guys should and just be myself.
At the end of my first semester, I didn't have any crush on any guys again and I had one on a girl so I was even more confused. But my internet escapades helped me see that there was just no guy my type at that school (it was a small college). In december I had actually told myself I was probably bisexual and that I should tell someone, in this case Sab, who was now my best friend. But that is another post.
Seeya!
Je suis curieux pour apprendre comment votre soeur a réagi quand vous lui avez dit. J'ai un frère qui ne sait pas que j'ai des sentiments pour un type. Je ne lui ai pas dit pour quelques raisons. Mais un jour je lui dirai.
RépondreSupprimerEh bien, ma soeur avait déjà plusieurs amis gai, donc je savais qu'elle allait être correcte. Elle a réagit exactement comme je pensait qu'elle allait réagir, c'est-à-dire qu'elle était non seulement correcte avec ça, mais elle était heureuse... J'étais comme un autre ami gai (c'est comme si elle les collectionnait)
RépondreSupprimerJe devine que fait lui beaucoup plus facile si elle déjà savait d'autres et était bien avec celle. Il doit se sentir bien d'être accepté par votre soeur. Mon frère m'accepterait mais je biseaute toujours lui dis quelque chose.
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