5 am post

Okay it's 5 am and I can't sleep, forgive my bad writing and lack of coherent speech.

Well, there are 3 people that flirted with me today... That's alot. I don't know how to react when someone flirts with you but your not really interested you know. Anyways, it got me thinking, in 2011 theres already 15 people who seriously flirted with me... 15! That's 5 people a month! I think it's way too much. The worst thing is that either It wouldn't work out because we're too different people in my opinion or they live so far away that it's not even worth the bother or they don't want an actual relationship which is what I am looking for. Anyways, 15 people, I went out with only one of them and it wasn't successfull.

I don't know, I used to be the kid everyone wanted to be friends with but nothing more. I'm not good at suddently handling people having crushes on me. I don't want to hurt anybody while at the same time I don't want to lead them on. But how can I turn 15 people away when in the past I've been wishing so much for at least one person to like me that way.

I don't know what else I can say on the that so i'll just change subject :P


I'll just go on to say that I love people. In general i really do love people. Almost everytime I meet someone, I think they are pretty cool. Out of everyone I ever met, there are very few people that I disliked, in fact I'll just think back and remember exactly how many... 7. I have disliked 7 people that I actually got to know in my entire life. Out of all the people I remember from my life, and there are many, there are only 7 that I really dislike. Out of those 7, theres only one that I truly hate. And by hate I mean hate. I mean if I could either save his life or just run away without no one ever knowing I was there... I'd leave. I don't like feeling this way, but I do. I live my life by trying to be nice to people and I've always thought that if your nice to people, people will be nicer in general too and it'll be a much better world. However, no matter how hard I would try, I don't think I could ever be nice to him. This kid made my life a living hell when I was 12-15. He made me want to kill myself a couple times. He was a big bully. Just thinking about it even today makes me angry. I don't see how someone can be so degrating towards others. I still wonder sometimes what it got him to make me and others feel so bad about ourselves. Now I'm older and I know I'm a much better person than he is and than he'll ever be. But I just can't get over my anger against him. I despise him.

I'm sorry I just thought about him today and felt angry and I really had to vent.

seeya guys

Choices

Hey guys

I am getting out of my confusion thing. Basically i think what I'll have with both those guys is friendship, at least for now. Who knows what the future brings but I can't see myself dating someone who lives far away. I can't go through a long-distance relationship again, it was just too much for me.

However before I got to that conclusion, I still went to the other conclusion which is that the closer one (and older one) was the best choice for me. He was way more mature than the other one and I could and actually still can, see a future with him. Living in a house, with kids. A realistic future. As for the other boy, I could only see a future with him if we both became famous actors or something aka not very realistic.

Anyways, they are both amazing guys and I want to keep talking to them forever :P Who knows, maybe life will give us an opportunity to meet (I know I'll meet the closer one this summer for sure) So yeah :)

So yeah, I am going to try to enjoy being single and not having a busy schedual, instead of staying here worrying about stuff, I'll go out and have fun with my friends, maybe meet a few people, who knows! I just wanna have my fun I guess.

Well that's it, I'm going to see my friends from my old school, Matt and another one, next thursday probably so it should be fun :)

Seeya guys

meh

Hey guys!

So basically almost nothing has changed since my last post. I still talk to both of theboys I talked about earlier and I still like them both alot. All I will say about it is that I'm doing as Tman said and I'm keeping it at a friendship level with both of them, at least for now. I do believe that being confused about your feelings isn't a good way to start a relationship so it's the single life for now still.

On another note, I talked to Alex earlier this week and it sounds like it's going to work with the "being friends" thing. We won't be the best friends ever but we are deffinitely going to stay friends. I'm very happy about that and I think it takes a good deal of maturity from both of us. I'm glad to not lose him completely because like I said, he is a really great guy.

There is not much going on at the moment to be honest. My relationships with my friends have changed completely. I barely see Maude anymore and it's going to take a while before I trust Sam, all this while I haven't seen Matt in a while. So basically, I don't really consider myself having a best friend at the moment. I have alot of friends but I am not really that close to anyone and it really makes me feel lonely. I would write more about it but I'm not really in the mood. Idk I'm feeling down today...

2 new guys

Hey hey hey

I have alot of things to say.

Basically I'm going to continue a bit more on the subject of my last post.

I think Alex is ignoring me right now, for whatever reason, maybe he feels better not talking to me or he's tired of me orhe's just never actually there when I try to talk to him. Whatever it is, I'm tired of it so I'm not even going to try to talk to him to be friends anymore, balls in his court. if he talks to me I'll answer but I'm not making an effort anymore.

However About the other guys, they all know I'm confused and that i don't know how I feel about them nor am I truly over Alex. So since I've been honest with them, theres minimal risk of them getting hurt.

Theres mainly 2 guys involved here. Both of them I met online and both of them live pretty far from me, one alot further than the other.

So we'll start with the furthest one, if I want to see him, I would have to take a plane, like he's that far. But he lives in a city I have always wanted to go to and actually tried to go to twice. So since I'm already planning on going there, it's just a pls if I meet him right? Anyways, he's a really cool guy but I can't really get in a relationship with someone while I can go see him maybe once eventually. So yeah, I'm not looking for a relationship with him, at least not now, but I do like him alot, we have alot of fun talking to eachother, have alot in common and we've experienced life differently. My main concern about likeing him isn't even the distance, it's that he's 16. He's pretty young and I'm kinda scared of having feelings for someone who is 3 years younger than me. So basically probably not someone I will end up dating but I like him nonetheless and idk what'll happen.

Now let me introduce the closer one. He's a really sweet guy and is cute. He already told me he loved me. I've known him for a couple months. I've seen his heart get broken and vice versa. We've always liked eachother as friends but now we've been there for eachother when we were both down and we've grown closer. He still lives pretty far, further than Alex, which is one of the reasons we haven't really tried anything. We can talk about alot of things and while we may not have as much in common in things we like as I do with the first guy, our values are even more similar. I respect him alot and love him. I want the best for this guy. I don't think we'll go out either mostly because of the distance and also because theres one of our mutual friends who has feelings for him and would probs kill us both :P . I will probs meet him this summer tho which I am really looking forward to.

So basically, these guys are what I think about right now and the reason why I'm confused, I like them both but I wouldn't want to try anything because of the distance and because of the existance of the other. I would never want to start anything with someone while I have feelings for someone else.

I should really find someone close lol :P

seeya guys :)

Confusion confusion

Hello again!

Why now? That's the question I've been asking myself this week. I've been alone and feeling lonely for most of my life, all my teen years I didn't really have friends and I felt horrible about myself. Not only did I not have friends but no one would ever have wanted to go out with me or anything. Basically, I had only my family and my dogs that loved me... Yeah, it was bad.

Fast forward about five years and here I am today. As I write this, I've had about 5 guys who seriously asked me to go see them (they live far) and probably 3 out of those 5 have clear intentions of doing stuff with me, if it's not 4 out of these 5. One of them told me he loved me, that was less than a week after my break-up. Theres a guy that lives close who wants to meet me and maybe date me enventually. Theres another guy who asked me to have sex. I also have a "straight but questioning" friend who just told me he used to have a crush on me.

Basically I'm wandering why everyone suddently wants me now. I mean, why not 3 years ago or even 2 months ago? Why all now when I'm still not over Alex and deffo not ready for a relationship and I don't want sex because I'm too emotionally weak to handle anything... Why? Are people attracted to that? Attracted to someone when they can't even think straight about what they want...

I'm just really confused. So I decided to stay single for the time being and not do anything foolish. I don't want to hurt anyone in the process of doing something stupid.

I just hate the fact that everyone is going for me right now... It really sucks for them and for me, it's just not right!

Alex

Hey guys

I talked to Alex yesterday for the first time since last monday. At first it was really awkward. We just made small talk and basically had nothing to say. Eventually we just stopped talking. Later on tho we were both in the same chatroom (the one where we met) andnwe started talking again, even made a few jokes. Although at one point he stopped paying attention to the main chat (meaning he was probs having a convo with someone in private chat) and he was making the same faces as he was when he was flirting with me in january. I have to say that hurt a bit, but it made me realise that theres basically no chance for us. So after a little while, I decided to ignore this fact and just talk with other guys that are my friends. So I had my fun anyways but eventually I saw Alex looking pretty sad. So I talked to him on skype (so that not everyone in the chat would see) and he just said that he was a bit depressed and that every guy he thought was cute said he wasn't their type except me.

That brought alot of emotions. First of all I felt bad for him, alot of guys just turned him down, while alot (some the same ones) were flirting with me and saying I was cute. But than I thought to myself, "Hey, I didn't go to them, they actually started flirting with me without me having done anything while he goes out of his way to flirt." So than I felt a bit pissed, like he admitted he started talking to me cuz he thought I was cute. He said it developped into something more, but I'm starting to think it didn't really. That he only liked me for looks, which hurts. I mean, when we started talking, I hadn't even seen a pic of him and I started liking him for him. But what if it wasn't the other way around? What if he never really liked me? It would explain him moving on so fast, him not making real efforts for us to see eachother. It would deffo explain why it didn't work out.

So yeah, I don't really feel any pity for him. I mean if you're only going to talk to guys you think are cute instead of guys who are interesting and nice, you're never going to find the right person. I mean sure, you have to date someone you can be attracted to physically but I'm going to take the example of my relationship with one of my friends. I didn't think he was cute at all when I met him, I still talked to him because he was really nice and had interesting things to say. He started to grow on me and I think he's cute now. It's weird but it's a great thing. I'm not saying I'm in love with him but I know that when we talk, it isn't all based on looks and that's how I felt about Alex since I started talking to him and being interested in what he did before seeing what he looked like.

Gah, I'm getting lost in thoughts now. I guess my point is this. I'm worried Alex was too superficial and that maybe that'S the only reason he liked me. Maybe he didn't really like the person that I am. I do hope that is not the case and if it is well... Fuck him.

I hate feeling like this, I really do. This might be all in my head again but to be honest, I think it has at least a little bit of truth. I'm starting to wonder if I'm that interesting a person or people are just lying to me when they say that. Or maybe it's just him. Idk,

One thing is for sure tho, the way he acted means he's over me and he would only get back with me to stop feeling lonely and depressed so even if he asks, theres no way I'm coming back to him now. We are just done.