Alex

Hey guys

I talked to Alex yesterday for the first time since last monday. At first it was really awkward. We just made small talk and basically had nothing to say. Eventually we just stopped talking. Later on tho we were both in the same chatroom (the one where we met) andnwe started talking again, even made a few jokes. Although at one point he stopped paying attention to the main chat (meaning he was probs having a convo with someone in private chat) and he was making the same faces as he was when he was flirting with me in january. I have to say that hurt a bit, but it made me realise that theres basically no chance for us. So after a little while, I decided to ignore this fact and just talk with other guys that are my friends. So I had my fun anyways but eventually I saw Alex looking pretty sad. So I talked to him on skype (so that not everyone in the chat would see) and he just said that he was a bit depressed and that every guy he thought was cute said he wasn't their type except me.

That brought alot of emotions. First of all I felt bad for him, alot of guys just turned him down, while alot (some the same ones) were flirting with me and saying I was cute. But than I thought to myself, "Hey, I didn't go to them, they actually started flirting with me without me having done anything while he goes out of his way to flirt." So than I felt a bit pissed, like he admitted he started talking to me cuz he thought I was cute. He said it developped into something more, but I'm starting to think it didn't really. That he only liked me for looks, which hurts. I mean, when we started talking, I hadn't even seen a pic of him and I started liking him for him. But what if it wasn't the other way around? What if he never really liked me? It would explain him moving on so fast, him not making real efforts for us to see eachother. It would deffo explain why it didn't work out.

So yeah, I don't really feel any pity for him. I mean if you're only going to talk to guys you think are cute instead of guys who are interesting and nice, you're never going to find the right person. I mean sure, you have to date someone you can be attracted to physically but I'm going to take the example of my relationship with one of my friends. I didn't think he was cute at all when I met him, I still talked to him because he was really nice and had interesting things to say. He started to grow on me and I think he's cute now. It's weird but it's a great thing. I'm not saying I'm in love with him but I know that when we talk, it isn't all based on looks and that's how I felt about Alex since I started talking to him and being interested in what he did before seeing what he looked like.

Gah, I'm getting lost in thoughts now. I guess my point is this. I'm worried Alex was too superficial and that maybe that'S the only reason he liked me. Maybe he didn't really like the person that I am. I do hope that is not the case and if it is well... Fuck him.

I hate feeling like this, I really do. This might be all in my head again but to be honest, I think it has at least a little bit of truth. I'm starting to wonder if I'm that interesting a person or people are just lying to me when they say that. Or maybe it's just him. Idk,

One thing is for sure tho, the way he acted means he's over me and he would only get back with me to stop feeling lonely and depressed so even if he asks, theres no way I'm coming back to him now. We are just done.