My coming out part 4 : Falling for my first guy

This isn't really about coming out but was incredibly important for me in both realising I was gay and not bi and in wanting to tell people about him.

In March of 2009, I went to the training camp in Florida for the third time. While there, I started knowing a little better a guy that was there for the first time but who paddles at my canoe club.

He was cute, but not in a way that you'd notice him, it's mainly his personality that makes him cute actually. After getting to know him I started to like him more and more, and at one point I realised that I had something for him. He was incredibly sweet, funny and kind but was immature, really immature.

When we left the training camp, I didn't see him for a couple of months and I missed him alot. It's actually when we were away that I developed most of my feelings for him because I thought about him alot and I missed him and his random jokes and infinite sweetness and really cute smile.

I talked about him to Matt alot, he was the only person I could talk to about this since Sab was really far. Matt really helped me in that period, being honest to him just felt great and talking about this guy with him felt right.

He was my one and only love interest until the end of the summer, even a little after, but I'll come to that later...

Too good to be true

Well I guess thats over, now I have another gay friend but definately no boyfriend. The guy I did stuff with like 2 weeks ago was supposed to come at my place yesterday and he finally told me at the last minute that he wouldn't come and I talked to him that night on MSN, in that conversation I told him that if he didn't want to come he should have just told me before and stuff and that I should have seen it coming since people told me he usually did that. After I said that he was really pissed at our friends and was like thats not true and stuff (although I'm sorry, but it fucking is true). Than we talked some more and at one point I asked him I he had something for Nick (Maude told me he did) and he answered that he didn't have anything for Nick...but not for me either.

We talked a ittle more after that about other stuff and he knew I was down and he was also invited to something on friday and said he didn't know if he was going to come because : it would destroy him to see me down" Yeah so you bring me down and than you don't want to deal with it! Like he knew I had something for him from the start and he never told me he didn't feel the same way about me, we also made plans to see eachother and he backed out both times and than decides not to come to a party because he doesn't want to see me sad. Oh yeah, and after all that, he says he still wants to see me because I'm a good person. Yeah right!

I actually didn't really react, I was down but I could stil laugh and talk to my friends, exept my level of emotions (which is usually very high) is like really low, its like I just shut down my emotions, I didn't cry and I could function and everything, but when I was with my friends I didn't really have fun, I was just there... I hate it! I just felt like shit the whole day and when I saw people that I didn't see in a while I just acted as if I was happy and normal and it was just the hardest thing ever.

Oh yeah, he isn't out so i have to lie to my friends and I really hate that, I hope he tells everyone soon because this is killing me. It was hard when I felt like we had something good, now it's even harder when I know he just slept with me because he was horny.

Yeah I'm not really happy, it's like I just pour out my emotions that I had to keep all day on here, sorry...

I'll try to end on a lighter note, one of my friends is coming over to my parent's place with me this weekend, theres a party friday night and one sunday and theres a little gathering at my place on monday. Oh yeah and we have school off on monday and tuesday

Yeah, that's a little better!

Seeya!

I can't believe we aren't dating yet

Hey! I haven't posted in awhile, just been busy flirting this week ;)

Okay, so I got to know my "friend" a little more this week, like we basically talked really long conversations on MSN every day, he is awesome! Even more awesome is the fact that he really likes me! I miss him when we don't really talk alot (like yesterday and today) and he was actually supposed to come over tonight at my parents place just to be with me. It didn't work out because he had promised his friend that he would see her and he tried to get out of it but couldn't... Still he's tried because he wanted to see me!

We aren't actually dating yet, I went to his school thursday to see my friends that go there (mainly for him but...) but he couldn't really act like he liked me because he doesn't want people to know. One good reason for that is that Nick goes to his school and we think it would hurt him. Anyways, when I left he texted me some really cute texts that I am definately keeping!

Anyways I talked to him thursday night and he asked me if I liked him, to which I answered honestly that I did. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship (which is kinda true) and he left MSN not long after... He came back later, just to talk to me and I found the real reason, he was convinced that I loved Sam (which is kinda true). But the thing is (and I said that). That I would probably have dated Sam if he came out... Until last friday, now if he is gay (and I don't think he is), well he missed his chance. After that he continued to say cute things and stuff and really wanted to come over tonight (which I said, didn't work out).

So anyways he might be coming over to my place like wednesday night or something like that... I also told him i'd shotgun him for one weekend soon, I hope that works out. Awwww, I like him :)

So yeah that's what I wanted to say, if I don't post again for a while it's probably because I'm talking to him alot like I did this week

seeya!

Oh yeah btw I'm at my parents house right now and my dad was normal, we didn't talk about it, my mom and I talked a little about a movie with a gay couple in it but that's it.

And now my dad knows...

Yeah that's right, I am basically out of the closet now, my mom told my dad saturday night when me and my sister were leaving. It was probably the weirdest moment of my life so far.

Okay, to be fair with my dad, he took it well but its really the way my mom said it that just made this completely uneasy.

Basically, she wanted me to tell him this weekend and I didn't want to, so she told me that she was going to say it while we were eating and I was fine but she didn't do that. After the meal, me and my sister gathered our things and just as we were leaving (with our coats on and everything) my mom says to my dad (I'll say it exactly like she said it, than I'll translate) : "Avant qu'il parte je vais te dire ce que Luc m'a annoncé la fin de semaine passé, he's gay." Basically she said : Before he leaves, I'm going to tell you what Luc announced me last week, he's gay.

My dad just had this blank look and it all felt really awkward, I just went outside and my sister stayed a little longer to light up the atmosphere so I came back to get her and we left. After like 10 minutes, my mom calls my sister and tells her that he took it well and stuff but she still didn't get that how she said it wasn't really the best way... Anyways, I talked to my sister alot during our trip home and I told her about friday night (not the details but still) and when I got home my mom called me to say the same hings she had told my sister while we were in the car. She called me again the next morning to like apologise for the way she said it and to tell me not to judge her and I just thought : yeah its really obvious you talked to my sister again and she told you that you could have done this better...

Anyways now pretty much everyone in my life knows so I can really say : I am out!!

seeya!

Wow...

Yeah so that "friend of a friend" who was coming out like this week went over to my place yesterday because he had nowhere to sleep (he lives kinda far and was at a party and didn't have a lift back home). So we talked ALOT and I do mean alot, like from 1 am until 3 : 30 am...then we finaly decided to go to bed (I only have a single bed :P) and we talked still in bed and... well what had to happen did happen and now I am lost, happy but lost.

Okay the thing is we did stuff, and I can't really say I am a virgin anymore, but I can't really say that I'm not, its weird but it felt good, and right. This morning we were both like having the same reaction : We couldn't believe we had actually done that after like seeing eachother only 4 times (yeah we counted) but we both didn't regret it and were pretty happy!

So that's that, I hope that it's going to lead to something because just being in his arms felt right, and holding him felt good! awwww... Anyways I don't think he is really ready for a relationship where we like tell everyone about it but we are definately going to see eachother again and I hope we end up dating or something. Oh yeah and since he lives far it's a little complicated and stuff and he is worried about that...

What is more complicated is that he is not out to everyone yet, and forget about his family, so if we end up together we won't be able to fully be open about it, but I don't really mind, he's just so sweet :)

Well that's it, Oh yeah and my mom wants me to tell my dad today so I'm probably going to be like completely out of the closet really soon.

On another note, my friends gave me alot of gifts for saint-valentines day because they said "you do so much for us", aren't they awesome? So now I have lots of stuff to decorate my place and they gave me some kind of erotic game with handcuffs, that was really funny!

Well anyways, thats pretty much it, sorry for the lack of postings, I had a busy week ;)

seeya!

Happy again!

I really have no idea why... But suddently, I'm happy again! For like no apparent reason.

I will take advantage of this though and I already started annoying some people because of my ridiculously energetic mood! (they are a little annoyed but overall, they can't help but smile in the end...hehehe). So yeah I was just really happy in all of my breaks today and like jumping on my friends and wearing some girl's scarf (I was told I looked even more gay than usual).

Yeah about that, I am like the gay that is out in our gang so every single gay joke falls on me (and I don't mind those jokes are funny sometimes), but the jokes about howsomeone is feminine don't fall on me because I am not that intense and it is Eli's boyfriend and Sam who get those (haha suckers!).

I love how you have inside jokes in your group of friends, I didn't have as many at my old school but here, it's crazy, I love it, there are so many! Even funnier is when some have an inside joke but not everyone gets it and you like look at eachother and start laughing and everyone is just wandering WTF is up with you... Ahhhh...

I really don't know where I wanted to go with this so I'll just randomly change subjects

Another one of my friends is coming out right now, well he's not really a friend, he's more like a friend of my friends, I have seen him a couple of times though. I am not supposed to know about it but I mean I saw him and I was like... yeah that guy is probably gay... So now I have to act as though I don't know which is kinda annoying but hey, I can deal with it. So yeah when I was talking about how all gay jokes were falling on me, well he is way more what you would consider a "stereotypical gay guy" so when people are going to know about it, it's probably pretty much all going to go down on him. Oh and before you ask me if I'm going to date him, well he isn't interested in me so I guess I'll just forget about it even though he is pretty cute. Anyways dating friends is dangerous.

So yeah that's it, I'm going to go skate tomorrow, who knows, I might be a decent skater some day :P

Seeya!!

Hockey

Yeah, i wanted to do a post to show that I'm more then a gay guy. So I just want to say that I am really looking forward to the olympics in Vancouver. I am rooting for team Canada in hockey. It's so cool how the russian team and the canadian team are like overpowered. It is weird though because everyone fights about who the best player in the NHL is, either Ovechkin or Crosby, and I like Ovechkin better, but he is russian and in the olymipcs, I will clearly be happier if Crosby does good than if Ovechkin does good. Also I love our goalers. Brodeur has always been a player I liked, ever since I started watching hockey when I was young, Luongo is incredibly talented and Fleury is probably the goaler in the NHL with the brightest future.

Anyways today the Montreal Canadiens beat the Pens 5-3 which I did not see coming, especially since our best player didn't play because he is hurt. Yeah, I support Montreal because they are my home team but I know they aren't the best right now (even though they won 24 Stanley cups...beat that!). I like New Jersey, Pittsburgh, Vancouver and Washington also. I used to dislike New Jersey since I only liked Brodeur in the team but now they have Kovalchuk who is really good so I want to see what they do now. Oh yeah I like Chicago 2 but mainly for Toews and Kane.

So yeah I like watching hockey but I can't skate yet... I am ashamed of it but hey, I am starting to learn now and I can go pretty fast for a beginner, I just can't stop yet. When I play hockey with my friends I can't really do anything because I don't want to move around too much but I still have okay stickwork (for someone who doesn't play). I am learning though and am getting better, by the end of winter I should be able to stop :P

So anyways I'll see you later!

PS. I don't know everything about hockey, I try to follow a little but I can't even watch games during the week so...

My coming out part 3 : Telling the first few people

So on the evening of december 27th 2008, I was going to Sab's house for a christmas party. The drive there was killing me, the whole trip I was changing my mind. I wanted to tell her that I thought I was bi but I didn't know how she was going to react and I was scared.

When I got there, I didn't have the guts to tell her at first and than we got to her friend's house (which is where the party was) andso we were alot and I just couldn't tell her in private anymore. We were 2 guys and 4 girls there and that night, because of dares and stuff like that, I actually kissed the four girls (Sab being the first) and it was the first time I kissed a girl (yeah ridiculous, at like 17...) anyways, we had fun :P. At one point we tried to go to sleep, which didn't really work out, the other guy was like playing around with 2 girls, Sab was sleeping and I was talking to the other girl. I told her that I had something to tell Sab but that it was too late because she was sleeping already. She told me to wait until morning, to which I agreed.

Fortunately, I didn't have to wait until morning because Sab woke up. She wanted water and there wasn't any left (we were in the basement) so she went up the stairs to get some. I followed her up and told her in the bathroom (yeah really weird but hey...). We talked about it a while but it wasn't much (since I wasn't sure of my sexuality) and than I got back downstairs and we didn't talk about it after (because there were other people). It was a good thing for me, I had told one person and she didn't freak out on me!

In January I didn't tell anyone else, I felt isolated because Sab was far away and I was stuck at my parent's place, away from most of my friends. I met a guy from ontario on the internet who was gay and I talked to him alot on msn. He helped me alot and was really nice, but it wasn't like someone I knew...

So when school started, I wanted to tell someone else. I didn't until mid-febuary. The lucky friend : Matt! We were in one of our long breaks and we were talking. I remember him talking about his problems and I was trying to help him and at one point he was like my life is so hard. I told him no it's not, mine is and I showed him like a test result that I had got that said I was gay/bi and I told him : it's true.

He was into his own head for a couple of hours, coming to terms with it. We had a class not long after and he didn't say anything before it, but after it he told me he was okay with it and stuff. So I was really happy. He asked me if he could tell his girlfriend and I said yeah you can. So at the end of the day 3 of my friends now knew about me.

I didn't say anything to anyone else for a short while after that.

I told my mom

Well that's it, I just told my mom I was gay, she said that she suspected it since late high school, so she started to suspect it a little after I did... Anyways, so it went well, I don't feel much better, but I don't feel worse either.

In other news I haven't seen Nick since saturday and I'm pretty sure he is getting over me so that's good. I have been in a kinda bad mood these past two weeks but I think I am slowly getting into a better mood so, I guess we'll see what happens but I hate being in a bad mood so much... grrrrr

Anyways I really don't have anything else interesting so I'll just go

seeya!!

Well...

Yeah so I acted really impulsively friday, I do not have anything for Nick and I feel more and more like what I did friday was a mistake. He also felt kind of bad about it, but he was actually was very interested in me, alot more than I was with him. Saturday, I saw him and I talked to him about how it was going too fast and that it couldn't happen right now and it was incredibly hard. I just felt like I was giving him hopes friday and just tearing it down saturday. But the thing is, we were both drunk friday. I know alcohol is not an excuse because it just kind of boosts your emotions but I don't think I would have kissed him normally. Also our friends were like putting pressure on us because we would have been like the first gay couple in the gang and they were really exited, but it was a little too much to bear.

So yeah, it didn't work out with Nick but I'm pretty sure I didn't hurt him too much, and I helped him with his coming out...

BUT! I had a great day monday, two of my friends were broken up and I helped them get back together! I was like crying as they were talking together, it was really cute! Also, I talked to Sam and he told me that he loved me more than his girlfriend... which is kind of weird but I was happy (I don't like his GF). I was talking to him and I told him that I thought he was still with her because she was the one girl in our group who was the best match with him psycologically. He agreed (meaning : I don't love her, I just don't want to be alone and she is the best one I met so far) and than I asked him : What about me? He said that he couldn't go out with me because I was the one to whom he would talk to and if he was going out with me, he wouldn't be able to talk to me about me.

It's SO weird, I mean he is straight and he actually told me that he had never even thought that way about a guy. But it's like he doesn't think of me as a guy. Because he knows and said that he loves me, but not physically. So basically right now, I am closer to him than anyone else, we care more about eachother than anyone else (he made it clear that if his GF gets jealous of me she is in trouble) but he isn't attracted to me. So we are like in a couple, but without sex. Which, to be honnest, I don't care! He loves me and I love him and I do not care if he isn't attracted to me, he is just going to be my best friend forever and I am not even interested in finding someone to go out with right now, because I would see him less and I don't want that.

So yeah, that is my weird life right now, I reject guys because I am in love with my best friend and I finally told him and he is happy, although he is scared of hurting me, but I'm just very happy right now so it doesn't matter!

Anyways, seeya!