If you read my last post or the one before or something... you know that I went to a party yesterday night. Well it was pretty crazy at first but it calmed down into something we are used to by the end.
The first thing that happened is 3 people didn't pay at the restaurent and left, which caused some of my friends to get stuck at the restaurent because they were sayingthat some people didn't pay. It took a while but we finally found out who it was and they paid and everything was fine but it pissed off alot of people...
Anyways, we than went to Julien's house and started the party, which was prettynice, no one got sick, some people were a little gone but that always happens. I almost didn't drink so in the end I was one of the people taking care of things.
It was cool tho, because alot of people were dancing this time so it was always moving and not just sitting and talking like some other times. And the music was kinda nice.
BUT what happened that I'm not hapy about nor proud of. Julien was flirting with me alot but I wasn't really giving into it. As the night progressed he started doing it more and more. I was feeling kinda hopefull by the end but than I saw him kissing Nick a bit later and I just felt like he was just playing with us, like cmon man choose!
But since I didn't bring anything to sleep in, I did sleep with Julien anyways and we talked and we started doing some stuff which now I kinda regret. I hate how I suck at resisting him and I feel I kinda deserve it to be stuck like this since I never do anything to get out of that situation really...
I'm confused right now, that's how I would say it. I just hope it wasn't meaningless again but I think it probably is for him, as always.
hey Luc... I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't have done that... you're human, and, have been lonely and yearn for the tender touch of someone that you care for... I've been there before, and, have done the same thing, usually regretting it later, to some degree, because the actual love that I was expressing had not been returned in the same way... then, the bad feelings and disappointment take over, and, then, the regret... We both know that it's then even lonelier to see the guy the next time, because you can't make him feel the same as you, if it wasn't there to begin with...
RépondreSupprimerWell, what's done is done, kid... Don't beat yourself up, over it tho-- Julien does sound like a bit of a manipulator tho, and, reminds me too much of some guys that I knew... He may not understand how cruel his behavior is, but, the end result is that he's using you for his own gratification, and, that's not loving... Now, one could argue that you did the same thing, except, you deluded yourself that there was something more available, even if you weren't being honest with yourself... that's where the next day, self- doubt comes from...
No need to dwell on it, Luc... you need to believe in yourself a little more, and, not settle for these tidbits even if you find momentary pleasure-- in the end, it's just not worth it-- it wrecks your self esteem... You ARE worthy of love, and, even if you have to wait a bit, the right relationship will make it worthwhile, and, you won't be feeling this way, later on, even if it doesn't work out... I hope that you have the courage to resist next time, and assert yourself. luv, tman<3