OMG

Yeah, I french kissed Nick at the party at my place tonight. I really don't know how this is going to end, but it's definately going for a total change in our group of friends...

But sometimes change is good! So yeah it was fun, definately felt more...attraction then the last time I kissed someone :P. We were both drunk though which is kind of why I didn't want to go further if you know what I mean... When Sam got here, me and Nick were on my bed kissing and he was like WTF! since he didn't know Nick was gay.

Anyways just wanted to update this, I really have to go to bed right now...but I probably won't

seeya!

Okay I'll try to do the right thing

Yeah so my friend's interest seems to be growing right now and I really don't want to hurt him but mine two seems to be growing so I don't know what I'm going to do yet.

I think I should explain it more, because I don't really remember exacly what I said about it and I feel like I haven't been really clear.

So, monday my friend Maude told me that our mutual friend Nick was gay and that he kind of liked me. Tuesday Nick came to my school even though he goes to another school to "see his friends" but he actually told Maude that it was mainly to see me.

After he left (because he had classes in the afternoon) me and Maude spoke alot about it and I actually told her i didn't know how I felt about Nick and that I thought I might like Sam which is kind of wrong since he is my best friend and has a girlfriend...

That evening Maude and I talked more about it and than Sam came to see us. We had alot of fun while he was there like I usually do when I see Sam. thing is, when they left I felt bad again and I started thinking about both Nick and Sam again.

When I went to bed, i was actually thinking about Nick, when I woke up, I was thinking about Sam. This is really killing me because I know that I can't go out with Sam and I know I can go out with Nick but I don't want to hurt him. What if I start going out with him and than realise I'm totally in love with Sam? It would be SO bad, it would hurt everyone, him, Sam, me, Maude...

So of course, being the guy I am, I don't want to make a bad decision, which is why I am going to see one of my friends who for a long time was my only gay friend. He is the one who I can talk to about being gay and who understands completely. I'll see him tomorrow and he might be able to help me make the right decision. We'll see I guess.

Also, Sam, Nick , Maude and a couple other friends are coming over to my place on friday so we will see what happens there but it will definately be interesting. By saturday I should have answers to pretty much all my questions and I hope it won't be too late...

So I'll post again tomorrow to say what I'm going to do friday if I have decided.

Seeya

Lost

Yeah lost pretty much says everything about my life right now. I don't know how I feel about my friend who is gay yet and I saw him today and it was fun but like after that, my other friend told me that he came here to see me so I felt kind of bad because he gave himself alot of trouble to come and see me and I mean I like him but not that way... At least not yet, I feel like I don't know him that much. So I felt bad after he left and my friend was like how do you feel about him and i just didn't know what to say. I mean, I don't want to hurt him so I kind of have to tell him I'm not really that interested... But at the same time we could both be missing an opportunity for something great.

What doesn't help is the fact that I'm not sure how I feel about Sam. Sometimes I think I love him, sometimes I think he is just my best friend and that nothing could ever happen between us. Yeah I really need to talk seriously to him about it soon, but everytime I do he is so understanding and cute that I leave being even more confused, grrrrrr.

Ugh! I feel so bad, like I'm a really bad person. It's like I'm starting something with someone while I'm having feelings for someone else.

Well, let's just hope everything works out. I'm going to think about it alot over the next couple of days. God I hope I don't end up hurting him, he's so sweet and deserves to be happy...

Friend's secret

Wow... school only started today and I learned that one of my friends is gay AND he thinks I'm cute

Yeah one of my friends talked to me about "a friend of hers" that was gay and she wanted me to tell her how to help him... Than I finally made her say that I knew him two. At this point I was hesitating between two of our friends, but neither of them go to my school.

At one point she actually told me that I was his type (remember I'm out to my friends so he knows about me)

But than she started telling me more of what he was living and why he had to come out to certain people and stuff and I kinda figured out who he was...

But the thing is, he doesn't know that I know yet and he isn't ready to tell everyone about himself just yet and I would have to get to know him better before dating him or anything because I don't know him that much.

It's still good though because he is finding a way to come out and its definately a big step towards a happier life (well it was for me anyways, I know for some people it doesn't really help but out here people are usually okay with it so...)

Anyways that's it seeya!!!

My coming ou part 2 : Accepting myself

Well this is the longest part in terms of years. It goes from 14 to 17 for not alot of change and a lot of back and forth, mainly because I was scared of who I was.

So when I realised I wasn't really straight, I didn't accept it. In fact I continued having "crushes" on girls and that was my main reason for not coming out. You see, at 16 I knew for sure that I was more attracted to the body of guys then girls. I was certain BUT I thought I was more attracted to the personality of girls. And I had never liked a guy that way, I had never actually wated to go out with a guy, just like I didn't really want to sleep with girls (but I didn't say that to anyone of course) So I told myself, maybe I am bisexual, maybe I'm straight and maybe I'm gay. The thing is : I don't know. I can't tell everyone I am gay if it turns out that I am not.

So for a while I had crushes on girls, that I wanted to go out with, and at the same time, I had crushes on boys that I just wanted to sleep with. I had changed schools when I was 15 and I wasn't bullied anymore so I didn't want it to start again if they heard I was gay (which was totally stupid because there were a couple of out gay guys and they weren't being rejected at all) but I was scared. So this went on until almost the end of high school. In march of my last year of high school, a little before I turned 17, I went to a training camp in which I met a younger guy from another city in Quebec. During the begining of the camp I was still in that conflict, I had a crush on a girl, Sab, that I knew for like 2 years (who became my best friend that summer) and I had a crush on him that was more sexually focused then emotionally. During that camp, I told the girl that I liked her and she didn't feel the same way towards me, so I got sad and stayed more shut down to her for the rest of the camp. That's when I came to realise something so important, that I have to start another paragraph :P

I told myself : The only reason why you don't feel emotionaly attracted to guys is because you don't allow yourself to. You have to stop telling yourself that you are not gay and just pretend for a while that you are. That is when I realised that the boy I thought was cute was actually really sweet and nice (and too shy but that's too bad). So I had my first real crush in march of 2008 when I was 16 and about to turn 17.

I still wasn't sure if I was gay or bisexual. That was my main focus from than on. I was pretty sure on that liking guys thing though. I started college not knowing if I would come out soon or stay closeted. But I decided one thing while starting college, I would try to defend gays more then I did in high school and that I would stop acting like straight guys should and just be myself.

At the end of my first semester, I didn't have any crush on any guys again and I had one on a girl so I was even more confused. But my internet escapades helped me see that there was just no guy my type at that school (it was a small college). In december I had actually told myself I was probably bisexual and that I should tell someone, in this case Sab, who was now my best friend. But that is another post.

Seeya!

Yay!

Well it was fun being back at my place for a while... Even though it started bad, it ended up on a high note so I was happy!

So when I got back Sam and me decided we would do something together on wednesday night but then I text him at like 5 : 40 pm and I'm like : are you ready I could come pick you up soon. And he answers that his girlfriend (who I dislike alot) was at his place so like he was going to stay with her. So I was disappointed and I got home and go on msn and my lesbian friend (she is really cool) tells me that she couldn't come see me tomorrow because her parents were getting back and she had to prepare the house, so it wasn't her fault but I was like spending the day thursday alone because of it.

But thursday I got a call from my dad asking me if I wanted to go eat with him, my mom and my sister because we were all kind of close for all different reasons. So I got to eat with my family and I gave a lift to my sister back to her place (we live like 20 minutes away from eachother) and when I got back home Sam came with his girlfriend and another of our friends and we hung out and had fun.

Finally earlier today we had a big get together since the holidays are almost over, so I saw most of my friends and we had lots of fun. At one point me and Sam talked for like an hour at my place (it was pretty close so we came back there) so I understand him more now... Anyways, it was fun, even though I was like a little pissed off at him wednesday, I just ended up forgiving him completely today and we are even closer now...

Well anyways, I should go to bed now, seeya!

My coming out part 1 : Discovering my sexuality

Okay, I know it's not really coming out but it's still kinda important in the process (obviously) so I'm going to include it.

So at the age of about 12 all the kids start having a bigger interest in the other sex. Well I didn't, but I think it's just because I was a little slower then everyone else because I didn't have any interest in guys either. At 13 I got a "crush" on a girl. She was cute and nice and was my friend so in the line of things I thought I loved her... Of course now I realise how silly it is but I mean it's pretty much like this for straights so I wasn't very different again. The thing was, I couldn't picture her in any sexual way, she was just a friend to me but I just wouldn't listen to the obvious.

I forgot to mention that during those years (12-14) I was being picked on at school. The big drug dealer (yeah I was scared of him back then, now I realise what a loser he was and still is) was from my elementary school and therefore knew me and just decided I was the easiest target, others followed his lead. So at one point, I think I was late 13, they started saying I was gay, which I didn't even know what it was. Of course I asked my mom who explained it to me and I just thought that it wasn't true, I had never had a crush on a guy and because of that, I couldn't be gay.

So later on I started looking at internet pornography... Yeah at like 14... Anyways I liked it, it was new to me and everything. So one day I decided I would prove once and for all that I wasn't gay so I clicked on the gay link in the website I was on and I saw my first gay porn. Btw no, I wasn't all OH MY GOD, I HAVE FOUND WHAT I HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL ALONG! No, the guys there were not my type and I didn't like it. After that I was happy I had seen gay porn and didn't like it that must mean I was straight. But after a couple of days, curiosity got me, and I went back but I went in another category which were younger guys, not my age but like 18-19 which were older then me but still attractive to me. Well this time, I liked it and I every time I would go see porn I would always end up in that category, even if I always started with straight porn in a desperate attempt to be normal.

So of course that's when I realised I wasn't straight. But for a long time, I told myself it was just a phase. But that is in another post.

Seeya later

Useless post

Well now I finally have my computer back so I was able to check the blogs a little more so that was a good change. Anyways, I don't have alot to say, I'm going back to my place tonight for a couple of days so I should see some friends then... Well I am going to see people friday, that's for sure but I don't know yet for tomorrow and thursday.

Okay, other then that, I will probably start talking about my coming out process. I wanted to talk about it today but I am leaving soon and it is a long story. I'll probably write about it during the weekend.

That's pretty much it so I guess I'll be leaving now. I'll try to see Sam soon so I'm going to post about that also this weekend.

Computer

Well I was supposed to get my comp back today and I was going to do a longer post but I didn't get it yet. I'll have it tomorrow though that's for sure. I'm going back to my place probably wednesday morning and I should see Sam either wednesday or thursday. I really miss him and from what I understand from his texts, he isn't really doing well so I'm worrying about him. I love him, he is my best friend and I don't want to lose him... Right now it just feels like he doesn't really want to see me. I think his girlfriend might be getting jealous, I got a bad look from her when they were over at my parent's place when she entered a room in which me and Sam were wrestling and she said "That's my boyfriend" anyways she might have given him a hard time about it, if theres anything I know about her it's that she gets jealous very easily when it comes to Sam.

Well I'll post again tomorrow, seeya!!


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Hmmm

Well I had fun again today with my friends. We actually had a snowball fight so that was awesome, me and Sam owned everyone at one point like we took their base that was on the side and than had a huge advantage. Anyways it was really fun, and after that I went to get Matt and I brought him where we were eating so we were alot at the restaurant and he met all my friends including Sam and they really liked eachother, Matt might even like Sam more than I do... Nah

Anyways I can't really check my blog or any blogs for that matter, I'll probably check everything tomorrow and post again with more details, I can't really make this too long because Matt is here and he actually asked me what I was writing on this (I'm writing this while we are watching The Simpsons Movie)

Seeya later


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Sleep over

My friends are over here right now. Two of them actually got their cars stuck in the ditch. It was incredibly funny (Sam was one of them) so we spent about 2 hours total outside just trying to get the cars out of it and in Sam's case, waiting for help. Anyways, it's really fun and I should post more about it later because they are really wandering what I'm doing right now.

Seeya


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Nothing to do

Hey!

So I'm still at my parents house and I am bored as hell. My friends are coming over thursday so thats going to be cool but not everything is figured out yet. Some people still don't have lifts to come here... They leave friday and I am going back to my place at the same time. I am going to pick up my best friend from my old school, Matt, and am bringing him and his girlfriend to my place ( which is in another city). So they are finally going to see where I live and meet my friends from my new school, especialy Sam since I told them alot about him.

Well thats pretty much it. I'll try to post more regularly, maybe not every day but I'll try not to post twice in a day and than not at all for five days... Sorry


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I love my Ipod

Hey!!

Well I was incredibly bored today so I finally downloaded an app for my IPod touch for blogging (I know I'm such a geek). Anyways that means I'm going to be able to blog with this even tho it's incredibly long.

So, about that party friday, it was good seeing my friends again. When I got there, three of them jumped on me, they were in a kind of competition to be the first one that I hugged when I got there.

The party started with a game of ice hockey (we are canadiens...) but the thing is, I can't skate. So I really sucked but it was fun anyways and my team won! Sam was of course making fun of me on the ice by taking snow with his hockey stick and throwing it at me.

The party itself was hard though because Sam's girlfriend was there and I had to pretend that I liked her even though I hate her for what she did to Sam (she cheated on him). She is a nice person normally and I used to like her but I just can't forgive that, I mean I saw what it did to him and how hurt he was, poor guy. When she left me, Sam and our friend Eli started talking more (Sam's gf is jealous of Eli). So overall it wasn't that bad, I got kisses from Sam and talked with lots of friends that I missed alot. I also started talking with people I didn't really know before and they were pretty cool, so the only downside was that girl. Oh yeah and at one point Sam was drunk and didn't want anyone to notice so he was sitting next to me and actually asked me to hold his glass of water because he was afraid of dropping it. I was really laughing at him but he didn't mind.

Oh yeah I forgot to say that I had not told my highschool friends that I was gay (the last time I saw them I wasn't ready yet), so I told them thursday when I saw them. They all new it anyways because they stalked me on facebook :p so there weren't any surprises and they all took it very well as usual. Honestly none of my friends had any problem with it and two guys who were a little homophobic before meeting me are now completely okay with it. People here are really open minded, it's really fun!

Fun fact : Montreal has the largest gay village in North America

Anyways, I should go, this post is getting really long and off subject

Bye bye


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parties!!

Well I had a lot of fun over the last few days, I didn't really have time to post anything. Thursday I talked with my high school friends until 5 : 20 am! then at the party friday, I got kisses on each cheek and one on the neck from Sam. He actually put some girls lipstick on and kissed me so I had the lipstick marks on me!

In other news, my computer is being fixed right now for some minor problems it had, so I won't post for a couple of days. For this post I stole my mom's computer but I won't be able to do that very often. I'll be back tho.

If I'm not able to tell you guys before then, alot of my friends are coming to my parent's house this thursday and friday so I can't wait for that! We are going to be about 20 people, its so crazy!

Anyways see you later!

My life

First off,  I want to thank you WkBoy714, you are my first commenter (and probably my first reader), if anyone else reads this, his blog, That Boy's Ramblings, is on the blogroll now (or should be).

Now, I guess I should say more about my life or something like that. Let me start by what is going on right now because if something happens I'll be able to say it without confusing anyone.

So, I am in my second year in college but I did switch schools, so I am at my first year in my new school. I hang out with friends who are mostly a year younger than I am but it doesn't make any difference at our age I think. Even though I met most of them only a couple of months ago, I consider them pretty much my best friends right now and I love them alot. Before this year I never really fit in anywhere and I always kept leaving after some time, but now something is different, something is good here.

So basically I wanted to talk about that, I still see my old friends from my old school, but even when I don't see them for some time, I don't really miss them while my new friends, well, I miss them alot right now, I've been at my parents for the holidays so I barely got to see them at all, I saw a couple of them a week ago but its not like being around them all the time during school. After I left, I started missing one in particular, Sam, he is my best friend right now, he comes over more and more often to my place (well when we still had school I mean) and I don't really know what I feel for him exactly, which is what I think finally pushed me to make a blog, I am worried right now that I might fall for him and that is the last thing I need. He helps me when I need someone and I don't want to lose that, right now all my friends know about me and they are fine with it and he is two. And even though he told me that he wouldn't act any different if I liked him that way and that he doesn't want that to happen only because he doesn't want me getting hurt, I still think it would make us grow apart and I do not want that. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him.

So yeah that's about it on what is going on right now.

So plans for the near future (I will keep you posted on what happens there) : I am going out to eat with my friends from my old school tomorrow night, thursday night I am going back to my residences and seeing friends from highschool and friday I have a day with Sam and then we go to our friend's party (still don't know if we are driving there together which would be logical since we are spending the day together but we'll see).

So thanks again WkBoy714 and I'll talk later I guess, bye bye

First Post

Hey!

I guess I should say a little about me.

I am 18 years old, I live in Quebec, Canada. I have been reading blogs for about a year now and I finally decided to make one myself.

Oh yeah big thing is, I'm gay.

I didn't want to create a blog before because I didn't want people finding out who I was but now I'm out to practically everyone so I don't really care anymore.

Other things about me, well I go to college in social sciences, my main language is french (obviously since I live in Quebec), I'm not sure what I want to do in life, right now I think I'll go in either psychology or sociology. I only practice one sport, sprint kayaking, it is basically my life in the summer.

I don't know if I'm going to post much because the internet at my parent's house isn't great and at school they can actually check what we do on the internet (and I live in residences) so we'll see what actually happens.

Oh yeah I forgot to say I am also single but I'll talk more about that later, now I should try to sleep again because it is really late.