Busy week!

Well right after I finished school, me and 4 friends went to my friends cottage and hung out there for 2 days. Than on I had to start training again, I went back to my old high school to say hello to some people there and on friday there was a huge party at my friends house for the end of the semester. On saturday I went to see my friend's show (she does ballet), it was pretty cool and she was the star! Than I went back to my parent's house and today I helped my dad with construction and than celebrated my sister's birthday.

SO, busy but really fun week!

What happened tonight disturbed me a little tho, I know I said I wouldn't talk about Julien anymore but he seems to want to be talked about :P. I talked to him on MSN tonight and we had a long conversation about alot of random stuff. At one point tho I told him that I wouldn't do what I did with him again because I hate lying. He answered with "yeah..." I than replied "What? You're disappointed?" he didn't say anything to that and said he was going to bed and logged out.

I don't really know what that means but it looks like he wants to do it again. It seems logical to me, he's getting over his crush on Nick, he's done with school but not working yet so he's got ALOT of free time and he hasn't done it in a while so he's super horny. On my part however it doesn't look like I'm about to do that. I have alot of things to do and therefore I am not bored, I am getting over a crush on him so I'm not going to mess it up by doing it with him but I am horny :P

I still don't think I'm ever going to do anything with him again unless I'm actually dating him which I don't think is going to happen. Sad really...

Well, I should be going to sleep!

Oh btw can you tell me what you think it means? cuz I'm kinda lost a little :P

Seeya!

No more school!

Well there you go! I finished my last exam and I am in summer vacation! I have about 1 month to do as much stupid useless partying as I can before I start working.

Even with this good news, there is some bad news as well. Both Sam and Julien aren't coming over tonight so that means I spend the night alone again. Sam was supposed to come over after the exam but he went to see his girlfriend. After that he is going back to his parent's place even tho he could come over since he's done with school also.

Meh, atleast I have another friend coming over tonight but he won't stay to sleep here.

Tomorrow I have 3 friends coming over in the morning tho so thats going to be fun. I hope it all goes as planned because if this fails well I'm going to be super pissed :P

I think that's all I have to say for now, maybe I'll go out soon so I will have things to say about that :P

seeya!

RANDOM!

Hey! I have nothing to do so I decided to post something but i don't really know what to say so this is going to be VERY random.

I want to say I am up to date with Glee and I made my mom watch it. My five favorite characters are Kurt (of course :P), Quin, Sue, Emma and Tina. My mom hates Kurt and so does Julien, I'm like the only one who likes him :P

Julien's favorite characters are Finn and Brittany while Nick's choice is Emma. Maude likes Will but it's mostly because he's her type :P

I have developped the theory that Julien likes people who are stupid (Finn and Brit, I mean come on!) based on this theory I can say its a compliment that he never liked me that way :P

Speaking of Julien, he apologised via e-mail :P he really has no tact honestly. He's like those clueless characters in movies that when you see them your like "no one is THIS bad with relationships", well he is.

He might still come on monday to sleep over at my place. I think I'll try to tease him as much as I can without giving him anything. It's mean but I am a bitch sometimes and I kinda wanna do that :P Plus we can't do anything since Sam is sleeping over as well.

Oh did you guys know that september 19th is international talk like a pirate day?

So on september 19th you should all talk like pirates! One easy trick to do well is to start all your conversations with " Arrr, me hearties!" the rest should come easily ;)

and OMG guys HUGE NEWS! : I'm gay!

okay that wasn't really news :P

Seeya!

Meh

I haven't talked to Julien since tuesday and the last words I said to him were "Ok fuck you"

So yeah you guessed it, we aren't really in a good situation right now, Maude told me that when he's stressed about something he gets really mean to pretty much everyone especially if theres aleready something that bugs him with you. So it's probably because he's stressed but I don't care seriously. I wouldn't stand being with him if he got mean to everyone when he's stressed, I mean it's stupid!

Meh, so I think my huge Julien crush is coming to an end, we'll see what happens next but that guy is definately going back to secondary role in this blog :P.

Other than that, I'm at my parent's place right now and I just want to have one of my friends with me. One of them almost came but he had to cancel so I am alone! (my parents arent here right now, they'll be here tonight tho). I really have nothing to do... Might go watch Glee or something :P

anyways, seeya

Life is good

I don't know why I'm this happy but today it seems like nothing can bring me down! To be honest it's been an OK day but I'm just so releaved I think that I just can't be brought down.

For one thing, Maude told me today that Julien is bitching about me to Nick. I don't really understand why he would do that, it might be about the little "tell me I have no chance" thing or it might be because he wants Nick to like him and not me (which quite frankly isn't working). Normaly, hearing this would have brought me down for a couple of days but when Maude told me on of the things he said (that he was more manly than me) I just bursted out laughing at how ridiculous that was. I don't know how he looks at it to say he's manly in any way but no one agreed with him :P I think he just wants attention which is why I didn't give him any and I didn't talk to him today.

Other than that the day was boring, lot's of exams, lot's of work.

I did go out with my friend to watch her friend's musical show. It was pretty good, I was surprised. Me and my friend were like dancing on our chairs. Plus one guy checked me out ;)

So in short an okay day but I'm happier than ever and I don't really know why :)

seeya!

DONE...Almost :P

Yep I now have only 2 exams left before summer break and let me say it is freaking time! I did not have any motivation last week and ended up doing all my work last minute (I'm lucky because everything went fine :P)

Now I have politics and math left and after that I am a free man! Right now I'm taking tonight off even tho I should study and I'll go watch some showtunes thing because my friend is forcing me 2 :P Anyways thats still pretty cool so that's what I'm doing, I might study when I get home but that's still a maybe :P

Anyways I don't really have any news because nothing happened today except me studying which isn't very interesting.

I should have more interesting posts once vacations start, theres always stupid stuff that happens at end of semester parties (last year was my first kiss with a guy, this year, who knows :P)

Seeya!

Sam

After school, Sam went over to my place where we stayed for about 2 hours just wrestling and doing stupid things, you know just hanging out. I missed having him over, it was a really fun time. We had fun together and it really reminded me of why I loved him so much (as a friend). He is really cute when he's having fun lol.

Anyways, we did alot of stupid things and I felt really close to him, like we were back the way we were before all the Julien mess. After that we went to nick's place where there were more of our friends and we watched a movie. During it Sam was pretty much going around not listening to the movie at all and talking to pretty much everyone individually and going outside to talk to his GF on the phone (she was coming to pick him up). When he knew she was going to be there soon, he went like behind the chair I was in and started bugging me like poking my head and stuff. I just grabbed his hand to make him stop but we kinda stood there holding hands, it was pretty sweet :) After a little while he left and went back to where he was sitting.

It was a very short moment but an incredibly sweet one. I missed him being that way with me, just having fun and those little sweet moments.

On the 24th he is sleeping over to my place and probably Julien will two. (Sam shotgunned sleeping on the floor :P)

Anyways we'll see what happens but me and Sam planned it all so that I could sleep in the same bed as Julien without anyting happening between us. Since Sam will be close to us we will be able to resist eachother and thats good. I don't know what good can come out of this, but I don't think anything bad can.

I hope it all goes well, but its quite in a long time. I'll talk to you guys about it then.

Seeya!

I am not a rolemodel

You know why? Because I am stupid!

I talked to Julien today on MSN and we flirted a little as usual. But we started talking about him sleeping over at my place. That is REALLY not a good idea since we both admitted we could'nt resist when we were sleeping together. He does not want to go out with me, I know that. I want to go out with him, he knows that.

If we do it again, it will just hurt me and being a drama queen, I'll get him in a situation he doesn't want to get into. But nevertheless we both talked about it like the idiots we are and now I just want him to come over. This is not good, I want more than just sex and we just can't do that anymore. But I love sleeping with him (and I do mean sleeping here). It is SO comfortable and he loves sleeping with me 2... I just don't think either of us would be able to resist doing more.

The reason he wants to come sleep at my place is because his place is really far and sometimes it's cool for him to sleep close to where all our friends are, and since the end of semester is coming up, there going to be parties and things going on.

Sam told me to have him over if I want but to have a third person sleeping in the same room (probably Sam himself :P). It is a good idea, but knowing me I'm probably going to kiss him anyways. Mehh we'll see what happens, the more I think about Sam's idea the better it seems.

It's kinda funny how the 2 most important guys in my life put together would be the perfect guy for me :P. Think about it, Sam who is straight and has a girlfriend but who loves me (as a friend but in a really sweet way) and Julien who is gay and single but who doesn't love me, he likes me but thats it. I love them both in different ways but combined, I would be head over heels in love :P. If I ever meet a combination of those 2 I won't believe my luck!

Meh, sometimes you gotta search, I don't think I have found the right guy for me yet. But I really like those 2 sweeties.

I'll tell you what happens with Julien but Sam is definately sleeping over here probably on the 24th :)

Seeya!

Montreal won!

Well there ya go! The Montreal Canadiens eliminated the Pittsburgh Penguins today and go on to the Conference final. It's been a great game to watch if you like to see good players play badly because Malkin, Fleury and Gonchar really did not play well and Crosby was average. Because of that Montreal was able to win in a serie against all odds.

Really amazing game!

Next monday

It is the day that will end 3 of my 5 courses. On that day I have 2 exams and I have to hand in 1 project. After that I will only have 2 exams left.

That day will be very important and I have to prepare well for it. After that it will be pretty much done and I will be able to have more fun! Since only 2 exams are left after it, I'll have to study for them but I have more time than what I actually need.

Also today there is an important hockey game. For those of you who follow hockey a little, well it's game 7 between the montreal Canadiens and the Pittsburgh Penguins. The winner of this game will go on to the next round while the loser will be eliminated. Montreal wasn't supposed to win in the first round but managed to beat the Washington Capitals who were number one in the NHL. If they beat Pittsburgh, they'll have taken out last year's winners of the Stanley cup as well. No one really expects the Habs to win the cup but if they win this round, they will definately be favorites in the next round. I really hope they win!

Well thats pretty much it, I don't have anything exiting to say, I'm at my parent's house so...

Seeya!

Hey sorry about that last post

Lesson learned, never think about important things when you are both tired and feel rejected. I don't think I would have ever dared post pics of me anyways. It is a weird period for me right now, I really hope it goes by soon so I can be normal and happy... I should go kayaking, that always helps me but it freacking snowed this weekend grrrrrr.

Well anyways, this is not a huge post but I figured I'd tell you guys about my plans for Nick's birthday. Awhile ago, Maude asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said : a sexy dance. So now that he came out, Maude had the idea of having a guy dance for him. We talked about it and decided that me, Maude and another one of our friends will make a video for Nick that reproduces this one that Glee made where Kurt dances on Beyonce's Single Ladies.

It's all a joke and I definately won't dance as well as Chris Colfer does (Kurt) but hey, it's all good fun. Btw Kurt is really an awesome character, his coming out scenes are so touching.

The actor, Chris Colfer, really looks like a nice guy, I wish I could meet him :P (sorry ladies, he's gay hehehe)

Well here's Kurt's video of single ladies

Speaking to him

I am speaking to Julien as I'm writing this. I am actually supposed to be working on an project due tomorrow right now but I am such an idiot that I prefer to talk with some guy who broke my heart :P

Well in all fairness it wasn't really his fault (which he pointed out). We both knew the risks when we engaged ourselves in that little advanture. What pisses me off a little is that I tried to help him when he got problems out of this and he just doesn't try to help me out when I do.

Let me explain a little.

Some people started to find out about us and the one thing he didn't want was for people to know about it. I had to lie to my friends alot and that is not something I like doing. When I had problems with Sam, they started in part because he knew I was lying to him about something. I made sacrifices to keep him from feeling even more uneasy about things. To help him out when things didn't go the way he wanted.

But now I have problems that came from our little thing. I fell for him and now I can't concentrate, I think about him too much (as you probably came to realise :P), in short, I can't seem to move on. He knows this now because I told him. I asked him to just tell me i had no chance with him, which if he did, I would have been able to just move on but he doesn't even want to do this for me. I am stuck and he knows it and I feel like he doesn't care or even worse, he wants to keep it like that.

Even tho I say I'm pissed at him, I really have mixed feelings because right now he is just being nice to me and we are having a good conversation. While his intentions are very normal (he just wants to talk to his friend), my stupid brain just keeps on trying to find clues or reasons behind him talking to me. Like an idiot, I tell myself that since he talks to me more than usual right now it must be because he wants to keep me in love with him in case he feels the need to do it. While the real reason is apparent and is because I am online more than usual and at this time theres not really anyone else to talk to.

Meh, I am overanalysing thing again it happens sometimes, and I don't make any sence because I go much too far.

Let's change subject because this is annoying me.

Sam went to my place this weekend while I was away at my parents house. He fed my fish (because I asked him to, what a nice friend) but he stayed there to do homework. It seems like he went in my bed because it was all over the place. I really hope he didn't do it with his girlfriend on my bed, I told him I didn't want him to do that. I don't think he did but we never know. I'm seeing him tomorrow so I'll ask him if he did.

Okay I am also in a dilemma. I kinda really want to meet someone right now because I'm really getting desperate but there are alot of things that stand in the way of this.

Number 1 : I am still not over Julien and I don't want to put someone in a situation where he would like me but I'd be in love with someone else.

Number 2 : there are places where you can meet gay guys around here but I found most of them were weird and I don't really know how to meet gays that are my type of people.

Number 3 : I know there is internet, but I kinda feel uneasy at having my pics on the internet (which is why you guys didn't see me yet)

Point number three brings me to a point I wanted to ask you guys about. See, I've seen some bloggers post pics of themselves on their blogs and I didn't do that. I kinda feel weird about putting myself out there like this but what if someone would see my blog and think I'm nice and see me and think I'm cute... This would ba a great way to meet someone special that actually knows who I am from the start. Also it would be great for you guys to put a face on all my stories. Let me be clear, if I do this, I won't post pics of my friends, it doesn't concern them so I'll leave them out of this.

So reasons for : Great way to meet someone, would be cool for you guys, would definately prove that I'm real (no one said anything about me not being real but I mean, it would prove it)

reasons against : Might be creepers out there, once your pics are on the net, you have no control over them, people I know might see this and I have alot of personal stuff on here

If you guys think of anything else about this let me know. Also if you have an opinion you can share it. I am really wondering what I should do.

You keep me hanging on

Yeah, Julien talked to me on MSN yesterday, I told him to tell me I had no chance with him thursday and he says he can't say that which is just the answer thats going to keep me hoping and than he talks to me like nothing happened yesterday. It was a nice convo, just like nothing was going on, just like the convos we had when we were friends with benefice. I really feel like he's just keeping me around in case while he looks for other opportunities.

I know I used him as much as he used me during our little thing we had. The difference is this : When things happened that made him feel uneasy, I did everything to control the damage. But when I have problems he just doesn't care and tells me to work it out by myself.

Even tho I still like him somehow, I think that's a jerk move. I'm pissed off at him but I know 3 words from him and I'd be at his side. That sucks!

I feel like the song "You keep me hanging on", which Quinn sang on Glee

Wow this has to be the fastest I've ever posted in a row

Just after doing that other post I talked to Julien on MSN and asked him to tell me I didn't have a chance. He did exactly what I thought he would do and that's the one thing I didn't want. He said "I will never be able to tell you that it will never work because times change, we never know. But for right now ehm, no I don't think so." Basically that makes me want to get him even more and even more desperate. I know I should move one and that would actually be the way for me to be happy and maybe even for him to like me. But I just simply can't do it. I hate this situation.

I want to go out with him, but at the same time I want to be his friend and not worry about that. Like I can't get him but I don't want to lose his friendship which is exactly what is happening. He doesn't want to reject me or anything but if I keep getting hurt when I'm with him he's going to stop seeing me to try and help me...

I don't know what I'm feeling right now, I feel like crying but it just won't come out. It's like I'm stuck in this stupid situation where I don't know what's going on and I don't want to move either ways because I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision. If I go all out and try to get him, it will probably not work and I'll just end up hurt. But if I get over him and meet someone else and move on, I might miss a chance at a relationship with him that would have been great.

FML

Can't stop thinking about him

For some reason I just can't get Julien out of my head. It's killing me because I know theres nothing happening with him and I know he doesn't have feelings for me but I keep hoping. I thought ending it with him would help me get over him but right now it really seems like it doesn't.

I speak with him and we are friends and that's great but I still want more. I think it might be because he just never actually said that I had no chance of actually going out with him. I really don't know wha to do because I just want to either be over him or going out with him. Everything in my life right now is going great except for that. My relationship with Sam is back to normal, I am starting work soon, I am back on the water and slowly getting my speed back. I feel like just getting this sorted out would just make everything right. I don't know what I need. I just want to ask him plain out to tell me I don't have a chance so I can move on, but at the same time I'm afraid of it. If he tells me that I don't have a chance it will really hurt me. But if he says that I do have a chance, I won't get over him for sure so if it doesn' work out, it'll take twice as long to get over him.

I wish I could just know what to do. How do you guys get over guys? I am terrible at that, hell I still think about my first crush some times and that was a while ago.

please somebody help me...

I can see the light!

Oh the session is almost over1 I calculated what work I had left and I can see that the end is near!

I have two big projects to do and 4 exams left. After that, it's summer time! Yeah yeah!

This summer is going to be awesome. Once exams are done, I have three days to party like a crazy person, than I go back to my parent's house to celebrate my sister's birthday. She is going to be 21 so I'm telling her to go get drunk in the states :P Than I'm spending a couple of days at my parent's house, and I'm coming back to my place for some quality time with friends, I'll organise that one later. Than the summer starts and I will be paddling/working for like 2 months until school starts again.

It's really going to be awesome and I can't wait, this summer is the only thing keeping me focused right now. If I don't think about how this summer is going to be fun, I don't get motivated to work for school. I really just can't wait until this is all over.

Oh yeah! Maude told me today that she was just realising how there were 3 super great guys in her close friends who were gay. She actually said : Nick is really great looking. Julien is a great dancer and you have a golden personality.

I was like : you know thats what they say to the ugly guys like " Oh don't say that, he's really sweet" and stuff like that. It was funny but it sort of got me thinking, what if people are really not interested in me because I don't look that great. Then I realised that I just wasn't really her type (nor Julien's for that matter) because there are a couple of girls who did try to hit on me without actually knowing me (so it couldn't have been my personality). So yeah, that was alot to say nothing :P

IDK these past weeks, I really feel alone sometimes, I just want to have a relationship so bad and nothing is showing up. I tried really hard to make it work with Julien but there was nothing there and I realised I couldn't have one with Nick in like febuary and now it just looks like I'm out of options. I guess we'll see what happens.

Well I guess I'll talk to you guys later.

seeya!

Internet was down + lot's of work

Okay! well I'm not going to be around much in the coming weeks because I am in exams and have lots of homework PLUS right now we are doing all these things to prepare ourselves for our summer jobs (you know courses and stuff) So I've been doing that this weekend and internet was down so I couldn't go anyways :P

But right now it's working fine so I'll tell you a little about my past few days.

Friday was really awesome! Sam went to my place and we spent the evening together just chilling and wrestling :P It's these moments that I missed when me and Sam had problems. Now it seems like we are back on the winning wheel of friendship :) thats a weird way to put it :P but yeah he stayed late and when he left I went on MSN where I saw that Julien was online. We talked with our webcams on so I could see his cute face. It was actually nice and there was a bit of flirting even tho our little thing is over. Who knows maybe I'll finally seduce him... Nah...

On saturday I had courses for work and than I went back home where I did nothing. Later Sam came again and we spent some time together and than went to our school (there was a dance show thingy and his little sister was in it). So I finally met his dad and sister and saw his mother while I wasn't drunk :P I think she'll like me a little more now :P

On sunday I went to Nick's house with Maude and two other friends where we played board games. It was a good time and we joked alot. Yesterday was boring and so was today so I won't bore you guys out with that.

Wow I really don't feel like working and i have an oral presentation tomorrow. Lol! let's see how it goes, we will probably suck big time. I'm passing it anyways so I really do not care.

seeya!